Dear disgruntled music theory professor,
This is God.
Again. (Yep.)
To show you how much I love you in spite of your supposed nasty, nasty beliefs, I am going to remind you of a few things.
Some of your students, who claim to be My followers, I DO NOT KNOW. They will gnash their teeth and cry (like usual) but ultimately I will say, "Go away, I do not know you, and neither does your music theory teacher." They will attempt to silence your voice with complaints of brainwashing them. Do not listen to them. Keeping silent while knowing the truth of a situation is actually a type of LYING, and lying is already covered by MY BIG TEN: the fundamental rules for human natural selection. So do not be pressured into omitting those wonderful office door sayings. (I think they're great!)
Don't forget a really important item, however, while communicating via your office door sayings (and this is one of the best lines I've ever inspired a human to write for My Big Book - really proud of it): DON'T THROW PEARLS TO THE SWINE. There just isn't much point to giving things of great worth to those who are Neanderthals not yet ready to appreciate them. (Take that in context, mind you, I was pretty proud of My little Neanderthals 50,000 years ago.)
I realize that the above two points sometimes collide. It's hard to talk, and not talk, at the same time. Even I confuse Myself sometimes on that point, but don't worry, if you screw that one up a bit, the ol' divine forgiveness component can kick in.
Now here is a particularly sticky point: The question used to be whether my believers should eat food that had at one point been offered to false idols. Now we all know that, Paul (egotist that he was, but ya gotta love him) said that IT IS OK. And if Paul said it, you can bet your bippee that I'm going to stand behind him lest anybody claim there are "inconsistencies" in God's Word. Even if I didn't like that point originally, I like it now. Oh, yes, how this relates to you: Well, make an analogy between "food offered to false idols" and "tuition of false students paying your faculty salary." It's OK. Really! You may ethically accept your pay check for your attempt to teach unwilling students. They come to an institution of higher learning, spend lots of time and money, but do not want to "higher learn." This is obvious based on some of your recent office door responses. Rather than worry about the inconsistency of the situation, look on the bright side. These people are so selfless, so generous. It is more blessed to give than to receive. One must not refuse gifts, or one denies another the right to experience the blessedness of giving. These students refuse to receive the gifts of your teaching, so it is their loss. However, don't refuse their tuition dollars that they are so uselessly throwing away. It is so generous of them to help contribute towards your someday giving your own children a really good education. Remember to thank them often in your office door sayings!
Well, that's about it for now. The quantum physicists have come up with this idea of an infinite continuum of parallel universes. I got a helluva lot of creating to do to stay ahead of them. The fundamentalists are going to have to go through a major reconstruction of their continuous rationalizing to come up with a good defense of their nonsense this time 'round.
Oh, and one last point: remember, you're all of a royal priesthood. So when you need a priest, just talk to yourself. That'll do it. Hang in there. Sorry about all the philistines. It's really hard to create consistent intelligence among humans; you ought to try it sometime. (oh, right, you're a teacher, you already know that.)
And just like Barney and Baby-Bop, remember always:
I Luv ya.
- Natural Selectivity.
P.S. Always remember: Nobody has ever killed a person in the name of ATHEISM.

Jody Nagel
September 4, 2001
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