Dear Music Major
by Jody Nagel
Sarcasm
 
 
Dear [local] undergraduate music majors,
 
I just want to thank you for the giant role that you provide to the world. Every pyramid needs a tremendously large base to support its highest pinnacle, and so too the competitive world of music needs a huge infrastructure in order for a few of the absolute best musicians to emerge at the top. Without your paying the [local] school of music, and your analogously low-quality peers elsewhere in the world doing likewise, who knows, maybe those great world-class musicians out there might have never existed! Few people in the world are as selfless in their patronage of great art as are you. You spend countless dollars supporting an infrastructure of which you will never be a part. You make such splendid fodder! You never think twice (or once) about it! So, in spite of how really bad you all are, please know that, from the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate you all. Thanks for being here! Your tuition dollars will help me provide my children with a really fine education somewhere else. I bet your parents are really proud of what a giving person you are. Sometime after you've graduated, please do write to me, and let me know how your jobs as clerks in Walmart and MacDonalds are going. The least I could do would be to read your poorly written letters. And don't forget to keep sending even more money once you've become an alumni. You just take care of yourselves, now, and never forget how you, as one of the masses, have helped contribute to human greatness. Thanks a lot! Sincerely,
 
The Eye-Opener.
 
 
April 29, 1999